Functioning on Autopilot
by drsweetsgirl
Summary: An episode based fic from The Zanzabar Marketplace job. This is a Nate/Eliot story. Basically it is parts added to that episode involving Nate and Eliot and a bit of Parker. Sterling is not portrayed in a good manner in this. There is an implication of a past assault to Nate by Sterling, but nothing explicit.


Episode Fic for the Zanzibar Marketplace job:

Eliot flirting with the pretty bartender is pretty commonplace on a Tuesday night while they review potential cases at the bar. "Hey beautiful." Nate should be used to it, but he isn't.

Without thinking, Nate kicks Eliot out of reflex. "Really?" Hiding the hurt lacing his voice is hard, but judging by the smile on Tara's face, he manages it. "Really?"

"What? I can't have a friend?" Eliot looks contrite enough, but Nate feels his chest constrict a little and the need for a drink becomes unbearable again. He heads to the bar for a refill, barely listening as Tara decides to clue Eliot in on his drinking, not realizing that Eliot knows far more about it than she does. He sounds guilty now, but that doesn't stop Nate from making his coffee a bit more Irish.

As he heads back to the table he ignores the voice in his said saying he's not good enough for Eliot, to just end it now before he gets hurt. Then, sitting in his spot with his crew, he spots Sterling. Of course. How could the day get any better? "Eliot, I'm going to ask you to try not to get angry."

Well, appropriate response or not, it's a violent situation and Nate really does despise those. It's therefore appropriate that a lot of his life revolves around it. That's the kind of luck, the kind of life Nate has, a life of contradictions. "Bring him upstairs."

Maggie's in trouble. She bailed him out enough, he can do her this one favor even if it means dealing with Sterling. Now, he just has to convince Eliot of this fact.

"Nate. You are not working with him. We are not working with him. We'll get Maggie out some other way." Eliot tries pleading with him on their way to the airport. "I will not let you deal with him Look. Pair him up with me. I can control myself. I promise. Just don't let him-"

"Let him?" Nate's voice cracks at the words. "Is that what you think I did? You think I let him?"

"No. No! You know that isn't what I meant man. I just meant-"

"That you think I can't handle myself. That you think I wanted what happened to happen and that I'll let it happen again."

"No. Nate, come on. I'm just worried and I phrased it wrong. That's all. Don't twist it like that. I did not mean that. Look at me. I promise I didn't mean that." He was backtracking, but Nate knew it was the truth. He could see the truth in his eyes, those expressive blue eyes that had him falling faster than he had ever fallen before. "I want to kill him. I would have killed him if he hadn't said Maggie was in trouble, but now that we know what he knows..."

Nate sighed as he pulled into a space at the airport. "I know. I want to too, but don't. It's not worth it."

"Yes it is." Eliot's gravelly voice was hard and serious.

Nate grunted a response. "Hmph. He might be holding back information. It's who he is."

Eliot sighed. "At least let me work with him."

"I can't. What if he hurts you? I can't deal with that. It's too much. Let's just get this over with. I'll tell you if it's too much, if anything happens, okay?"

"Before. Tell me before anything happens. If it looks like something is going to happen, you get me. Ok, Nate?"

"Yeah."

"Nate. I'm serious. I won't let him hurt you again. You spend as little time as possible with this guy. You don't deserve that again. You never deserved it in the first place." He caressed Nate's cheek lovingly. "I'm going to make sure I spend every moment possible with you, make sure you're safe."

"Okay." Nate had closed his eyes at the caress and leaned into it as Eliot pulled away.

"I love you." Eliot was rewarded with a blush.

"L-love you too."

"Damn straight you do. Now, come on. We have a plane to catch. The sooner we leave, the sooner this case is over and I can kill the bastard."

Nate chuckled weakly as they both exited the car to meet up with the others. Before they parted, Eliot pulled Nate into a brief but heartfelt embrace. "You need me for anything, just say the word. Alright?" Nate nodded. "Anything."

Parker showing up at his meeting with Sterling was too coincidental to be a coincidence. Eliot sent her. It was the only explanation, but in truth Nate was relieved. Sometimes Sterling got too close. They hadn't discussed the thing Nate couldn't discuss, but a repeat would definitely not be welcome. Any alone time with Sterling that could be avoided was welcome. Still, no need to endanger Parker unnecessarily. Nate deserved whatever happened. Parker was an innocent.

So, after Maggie and Sterling departed, Nate pulled her aside reluctantly. "What are you doing here Parker?"

"Giving you information on the heist."

"Information that could have been given over the coms."

Parker shrugged. "Eliot sent me."

"Dammit Parker!" At the mention of his name, Eliot was chirping in their ear. "Yes. I sent her Nate. Deal with it. I don't want you alone with that piece of shit. Alright? Is that so hard to-"

Nate looked down, avoiding eye contact even though Eliot wasn't there. He hated when Eliot got mad at him. It was a reflex. He interrupted before his boyfriend could get worked up too much. "Okay." Why did his voice always sound so broken lately?

The tirade ceased immediately. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. It's fine. Whatever you want. You're right. Can you stop yelling at me now?"

"I'm not-"

Parker furrowed her brows and eyed her boss questioningly. "He wasn't yelling. He wasn't even really grumbling his usual grumble. What's going on? What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing." Nate flinched when Parker reached out to him, immediately feeling stupid as her brow furrowed more. "S-sorry."

"Hardison, Tara, off the coms. Now!" Eliot ordered gruffly. Hardison argued, but Eliot was firm. "Twenty minutes com silence. Now! And don't you dare record it."

"Fine." Two clicks could be heard.

"Parker, what's going on?"

"He's all skittish and hunched in on himself. I don't know. You tell me what's going on."

"I-I'm fine." Nate tried, knowing it wouldn't reassure anyone.

"Are you having a panic attack?" The question was asked gently, but when no answer was immediately forthcoming, Eliot snapped. "Nate! ARE YOU HAVING A PANIC ATTACK?!"

"I-I I-m sorry. I-No. I'm not. I won't. I'm sorry. D-don't be mad." Tears formed in his eyes before he could stop them. Nate closed his eyes and slid to the ground, muffling his barely audible sobs.

"Shut up Eliot!" Parker growled before pulling out Nate's com and then her own. "Hey. Shhh. It's okay, Nate."

"I messed up and now he's mad at me. I don't want him to leave me. I'm already not good enough for him, Parker. Please don't tell him I'm crying. He'll hate me. I don't want him to hate me. He already puts up with me so much." Nate begged, as Parker wrapped him in a hug.

"He does not hate you. He loves you. We can all see that. You're the only one with any doubt." Parker shushed and rocked him until he calmed. "I want to know what's going on. Why doesn't Eliot trust Sterling around you? Why are you falling apart? Why are you having panic attacks and agreeing to be babysat around Sterling?"

Nate shrugged.

"Nate?" Parker sighed. "Eliot will be here any minute."

Another shrug was all Nate had in him. Then, Eliot was there, fussing and worrying and making Nate take his anti-anxiety pills.

"I'm sorry." Nate said dully.

"No. It was me. I got angry because I wasn't here and I shouldn't have left you alone with him so long or at all. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

Receiving only a shrug, Eliot turned Nate's eyes toward him and saw that they were slightly out of focus. Not enough for anyone but Eliot to notice, but unfocused nonetheless. Getting close, Eliot whispered. "Is it going to be easier for you to get through this if you check out? If you escape into your head?" Nate nodded. "Alright, love, but you come back okay?" Another nod. This had happened before. Nate would just retreat into his head and let his automatic responses take over. He could still run the cons, but he was basically on autopilot. It had been a year since this had happened, but if it would help get through this job, then so be it.

Nate startled suddenly. He must have been out of it again. Now, where was he? Sitting in a shop, right. Eliot and Tara were at the park encountering Chernov. He focused on their mission. Time to get back in the game. No need to keep spacing out. he was fine, just fine. He could do this. Focus.

Tara's talking. "Fine. I won't say a word to him. Not one word. Just do that thing you do with your eyes that scares people." That makes Nate smile. He knows that look.

"I don't scare people with my eyes." Oh Eliot. The smile gets wider

There is silence for a while, chewing, but otherwise silence.

Then, "What we imagine is always so much better than the reality."

"Like love?" Oh. The smile falls. Nate's face goes blank. Oh. Retreat. He's not ready. He's not strong enough. He's not good enough. By the time Tara and Eliot are reporting back to him on the coms, he's spaced out again.

Nate walks in while they're talking to Sophie and doesn't even notice. Eliot can barely look at him, let alone talk to him. It's like staring at a zombie. How can no one realize he's zoned out? Eliot had hoped that he would have come back a little at least, but if anything it looked like he had retreated further. It couldn't have been Sterling. He hadn't been near Nate since earlier. What had set Nate off this time? His ex-wife?

The plan's all set, but of course Sterling has to spring something on them at the last second. Eliot cheers internally as Nate ignores his ex-insurance partner, although he knows it's probably more due to Zombie Nate than Gutsy Nate. Eliot's almost hoping Nate does get jealous of Maggie's new beau to snap him out of his nonchalance, but he doesn't even flinch.

Now, they have to change the whole plan and Eliot isn't sure how he's going to keep an eye on Sterling in his new role. He just hopes that Tara keeps a diligent eye on Nate, like he had warned her. If Sterling lays a hand on him, there'll be hell to pay.

Nate starts to return to himself during his talk with his ex and Eliot breathes a sigh of relief at the awkwardness. Anything was better than that dead tone of voice he'd been hearing all day on the coms.

Of course, Tara loses Nate. At least Sterling is accounted for, although alone with Parker. Hardison seems to have realized something is off about the man because he is keeping him adequately distracted.

"...southeast corridor..." Nate's voice suddenly rings, but keeps cutting out.

"Did you get that Eliot?"

"Yes Hardison." Eliot growled as he quickly exited the banquet hall, running faster as he heard Nate yell. "Damn it!"

Being trapped in a room, any room really made Nate feel uneasy as of late. It made him remember things. He wasn't spaced out anymore and being trapped made his adrenaline rise, which in turn meant he couldn't retreat back to the safety of his mind like he wanted. Instead he was stuck in the present, without the reassuring voices of his teammates in his ear, with his tiresome ex wife, with the looming threat of violence on the other side of the door. Violence. Nate hated violence, but again the tragic poetry of his life of contradictions. Violence always seemed to find him.

No visual sign of Nate. No electronic sign of Nate. No verbal sign of Nate. Nate was missing and Sterling is standing there like the cat that ate the canary. The call from the kidnapper is expected by Eliot, but his stomach still drops. He nearly punches Sterling with his damn phone, but holds it back. the man might still be useful to them and for that reason alone he stays alive and unharmed.

Letting him go is an easy decision for the team. It'll get Sterling out of the way until they need him. They get the proof of life video and Eliot's stomach unclenches slightly for two reasons. Nate isn't dead and he hasn't retreated back to zombie Nate.

Now, to find a way to rescue the arguing exes.

Nate is disappointed when the escape attempt fails, but feels better with an open door at his back. When they leave the room, some more of the tension leaves him, even with the threat of death looming over them all. He calms enough to retreat again and the lovely feeling of emptiness surrounds him before they are shoved unceremoniously into an elevator. 'Just in time.' Nate thinks vaguely. 'I would never have been able to calm down in here.'

He tries for the bomb, but it is unreachable. Then Maggie kisses him fervently. He's still barely present as he floats in a happy boring place. Nate takes a few seconds to respond to the kiss, but with his mind on auto-pilot, he can't find a reason to resist. Eliot said Love wasn't what he thought it would be. Nate's love isn't enough. When someone kisses, you're supposed to kiss back. It doesn't matter if you don't want to, they'll just make you anyway, but they'll hurt you more if you fight back. Nate had learned that the hard way with Sterling. So, he gives in to the kiss and kisses her back gently. Nate's logical part of the brain tells him that if he's gentle, she'll be gentle.

Eliot smiles at his plan. Any second he'll see Nate, safe and sound and hopefully back to his usual self, his un-zombified self. The elevator opens and there he is, but he's out of it again. 'Well,' Eliot thinks. 'At least he's safe.'

After they've left the construction site, Sterling is out of the picture and they make their way to the airport, they take a few moments to embrace before Nate's eyes refocus and he's suddenly worried and spilling his guts. "I kissed Maggie. I'm sorry. I went away again and she kissed me and I couldn't think because I was floating and your voice kept running through my head because you aren't happy with the way our relationship is because you hate the way love is with us and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. She was kissing me and if I said no, I'd get hurt and he'd hurt me so I had to kiss back because if I cooperate then I don't get hurt. Nobody's gonna hurt me right? I'm sorry. You can hurt me. I was bad and I didn't mean to, but you can hurt me because I was bad and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Eliot absorbs everything Nate said and tightens his hold on the man as he starts becoming hysteric an incoherent. "Nate, I'm not mad. Even if you were aware of what was really happening, I wouldn't have been mad because you thought you were about to die. Listen to me." He pulls back gently and cradles his lover's head in his hands. "This case was too much. Working with Sterling was too much. Everything is alright now. It's over. No one will hurt you. I promise Nate. We're going to take a few weeks off and go be boring for awhile okay?" Nate nodded. "Good."

"You don't hate me?" Some small and childish in Nate's voice makes Eliot pause.

"No. I don't hate you. Nate, where are we right now?"

"On a road."

"Nate, look at me. Where are we?"

He looks confused for a moment before answering hesitantly. "On our way to the airport right? We're going home?"

"That's good. That's right."

Nate nodded and smiled, leaning on him, trying to get back to their hug. "See, I'll be good."

Eliot pushed back again. Something was wrong. Something was off. He could just feel it. Nate's answers were too confused, too cautious, too relieved when he got it right. "Who am I?"

The confused look came back and again there was hesitation. "You're-You're safe. I don't-You're safe. That's good. I'm good and you're safe."

"Nate, who am I?" Eliot tried to keep the panic down, but his breathing picked up slightly. He tied a different approach. "You are Nate Ford. You are our leader. You run a team of thieves and help people. You are smart and brave and kind. You're basically Robin Hood. We are dating and we love eachother. You are Nate Ford. Who am I?"

"Robin Hood has always been my favorite kid's movie. I used to watch it with Sam, Eliot."

"Nate?"

"You're Eliot. I love you. I don't know what that was. I got confused, I think. I'm sorry."

Eliot wrapped him in a tight hug. "Thank god. Don't ever do that to me again. I thought you'd had a psychotic break or something."

"I'm sorry. I don't think I should go to my white space anymore. It's always so hard to come back." Nate sighed as they got into the car. "Can I ask you something? Is loving me too difficult?"

"Why would you think that? No. It's not. Love has always mystified me, but with you it's easy. I always thought I'd have to work to have those feelings, work to keep myself interested in one person, but with you it's easy. You're all I think about. What's hard is loving you so much and feeling every pain and ache and bit of emotional turmoil you go through. It's hard to see you hurt or lost or worried or anything but happy. I never stop loving you which was a happy surprise about love, but I never stop worrying either. It's worth it though. You are definitely worth it."

Nate smiled and kissed him deeply. "Let's go home."


End file.
